Penguin Apocalypse
by AngeloflLight
Summary: Refusing to believe he's sick and abandoned by Ichigo to fend for himself for the day, Grimmjow has an interesting run in with the demented penguin pimps of Nii.Can he stop them from taking over? And who is their leader? AU rated for Grimm's potty mouth


'This isn't happening,' Grimmjow thought before he even opened his eyes. 'I am not sick, I don't get sick.' He repeated this to himself and proceeded to shout it at his orange haired lover when Ichigo pointed that little fact out as well.

"What do you mean you don't get sick? That's stupid everyone gets sick at some point." The younger man pointed out with a frown on his face.

"Yeah everyone except me! I'm not weak like the rest of the population who can't take care of themselves. I am not sick, I refuse to be and you can't make me!" Apparently Grimmjow reverted to being a five year old again when he was sick. Sighing Ichigo made his way to the bathroom to grab the thermometer from the medicine cabinet, ignoring his lover's vehement protests of how there is no way in hell he of all people could be sick. He gave a noise of triumph when he found the little cylinder and shoved it into the blunette's still flapping mouth.

"Ya know for not being sick, you have a pretty high fever," Ichigo said with a frown as he read the results. "Whatever, we won't use the 's' word but either way you're going to stay in bed today and drink plenty of fluids. I have to go to class but I'll come home as soon as I can, so just stay put til then." 

"I'm not sick!" Grimmjow growled as Ichigo puttered around the apartment gathering his things. He continued to do this even after Ichigo had left with a promise of chicken noodle soup upon his return.

'This is such bullshit! Who the fuck does he think he is? My mother? He's out of his mind if he thinks I'm gonna be a good little boy and sit in bed til his ass gets home.' With that thought in mind Grimmjow pulled himself from bed and defiantly left the room… only to shuffle his way to flop on the couch. Grumbling, he took another swig from the Nyquil bottle as he flipped through bad daytime tv. Okay so he wasn't sick, he was just burned out from all the hours he'd been working the past few weeks. That was it, Ichigo didn't know what the fuck he was talking about. Feeling pleased with himself Grimmjow made himself comfortable on the couch and closed his eyes.

He was quite comfortable too before jerking into an upright position when he heard something being knocked over from another room in the apartment.

"Who the fuck is there!" he shouted as he looked around frantically. Who the hell was in his apartment? Better question, how the hell did get into his apartment? He'd only closed his eyes for a moment and he would have heard someone jar the lock open. Pulling himself up off the couch he cautiously maneuvered his way into the kitchen, being careful not to make a sound to alert the intruder to his approach.

Peeking around the corner, Grimmjow was convinced he was seeing things. Rubbing his eyes before taking another look, he let out a choked noise as his brain finally registered the images his eyes were presenting. There standing on his counter rifling through his cabinets was a penguin. A fucking penguin. But not just any old penguin, this penguin was purple and wearing a top hat and judging by the wicked looking cane propped against his flipper, one with a very bad limp.

"What the fuck, "He shouted before he could stop himself. "Why is there a goddamn penguin in my kitchen?"

Said penguin promptly turned to look at the gaping man before him and snorted softly. "I figured it would be fairly obvious. I'm hungry bitch, where's the tuna?"

Oh hell no. There was no way there was some psychedelic penguin standing on his kitchen counter insulting him and trying to jack all his tuna. Grimmjow wasn't gonna stand for that shit. 

"What did you just say to me you little freak?" Grimmjow growled as he stalked towards the bird.

"I said, 'where's the tuna bitch' or are you hard of hearing too?" Was the snarky reply as the penguin moved to another cabinet.

"You gotta death wish?" Grimmjow grit out as his eye twitched. "How are you even talking? You're a fucking penguin!"

"Well you're a fucking idiot but you seem to manage just fine. Now tell me where the tuna is and no one gets hurt." The penguin said as he turned to give Grimmjow a menacing glare. It was Grimmjow's turn to snort. Did this thing really think it could scare him? He was Grimmjow Jagerjeaques, he wasn't scared of a flightless bird. He wasn't scared of anything!

"Ha! Like I'd be afraid of you, what're you going to do? Squawk me to death?" He said with a chuckle. "I'll make peking penguin out of you!"

The penguin gave Grimmjow a nasty look before he indeed started squawking. His chuckle now becoming a full out laugh Grimmjow thought this was the most hilarious thing he had ever witnessed before the floor and walls started to rumble followed by the appearance of a hundred new penguins, all in different colors with top hats and pimp canes.

"What the fuck…?" Was all he could manage to say as he took in the rainbow colors of the small army that had gathered in his apartment.

"I thought you weren't afraid of me? We're not going to squawk you to death, we're going to beat you to death with our canes and our pimp flippers." The leader penguin said.

"Your what?" Grimmjow asked confused. Was this penguin implying what he was thinking?

"Our pimp flippers, you moron! We are the penguin pimps of nii and we are here to make you our bitch! Now show us to the tuna!" The leader snapped as his little army chirped threateningly. 

This was not happening. There were no such things as penguin pimps and there sure as hell wasn't a place called "Nii" Grimmjow thought as he backed away from the little feathered freaks. The penguins continued to chirp angrily at him as they advanced, raising their canes and setting the top hats forward in a threatening manner. 'I'm in the fucking twilight zone.' Grimmjow said to himself as he made a break for it, barely dodging the cane thrown as a javelin towards his head.

"Get him!" He heard the leader penguin scream before the patter of claws against tile as the army waddled as quickly as they could after him, which was pretty damn fast considering how close together their feet were.

Taking a hard left, he bolted down a hallway and ran into an empty room, shutting the door and shoving his weight against it to keep them from getting in. 'Holy shit penguins are scary!' he thought as he held his breath as they scurried past the door. He knew he didn't have much time left, the apartment was pretty big but not big enough to get lost in, they would find him eventually and he loathed to admit it but he was actually afraid of what they would do to him. Those little fuckers were hard core. Looking around, he spotted the phone and grabbed it, frantically punching in the digits to Ichigo's cell phone number before quickly hanging up. There was no way in hell he was going to involve his strawberry in this insanity. Those feathered fuckers would take one look at his delectable berry and try to take him away. Leaning against the desk in the room he thought of the least attractive person he knew before quickly dialing in their number.

"What the fuck do you want?" Was the greeting he received.

"I need you to get your ass here! And bring a baseball bat, or a gun. Know what, how about you bring both. And any other weapons you can get. We're gonna need them." Grimmjow whispered harshly into the phone while curling up behind the desk to remain out of sight.

"What the fuck did you get yourself into?" Was the puzzled reply followed by some fabric shuffling, good that meant he was on his way.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Try me," came the bored tone through the phone

"Just get here and you'll see for yourself. And hurry up!" he hissed before violently ending the call, looking around for something to arm himself with until the cavalry to arrive. He didn't have to wait long before he heard the banging on the front door.

"Open up the door you asshole! You demand I rush here and you don't even have the door open for me when I get here!" the angry voice through the door shouted.

Sighing in relief, Grimmjow grabbed the nearest thing he could grab and flung the door open, ready to bat the little nuisances away only to find them gone. Confused, he went to the door and opened it, dodging the fist aimed at his head once the door gave way.

"About fucking time," Nnoitra snorted as he walked into the apartment with a baseball bat balanced on his shoulder. "Where's the trouble?" he questioned looking around with his good eye.

"I don't know but those sneaky bastards will be back, they're forming a plan."

"Who is?" Nnoitra asked still looking around.

"The penguins," Grimmjow said as if that explained everything.

"I'm sorry the what? Are you tripping balls right now? What the fuck are you talking about? This isn't Antarctica!" Nnoitra snapped as he turned to stare at his blue haired friend.

"Don't look at me like that! These ain't normal penguins! They're penguin pimps from nii! They don't fuck around, they have canes and everything!" Grimmjow explained, not liking the look he was receiving. They were real dammit!

Nnoitra just continued to stare at him with a disbelieving look, like he was trying to resist the urge to laugh and strangle him at the same time.

"So wait, you called me here because you're scared of some pastel wearing penguins? Oh this is rich, I have to call Shinji, he'll fucking love this!" he cackled, reaching into his pocket for his phone. Just as he flipped it open to do just that, the phone was knocked out of his hand by the cane/javelin wielding penguin from before. "What the fuck?" he asked before turning to look at the cause of the weapon, stumbling back when he noticed the bright green penguin looking at him with a demonic look.

"See I told you!" Grimmjow cheered before dodging the cane aimed at his head. Grabbing a hold of Nnoitra's shirt he dragged the man after him as he bolted for a place to hide.

"Holy shit man, holy shit!" was all the tall man was able to mutter as he was forcibly dragged into the bedroom to hide from the wave of penguins chasing them.

"I told you, those little fuckers are hard core!" Grimmjow said as peeked around the corner.

"What're we going to do! There's so many of them! What are their natural enemies? Shit we need a killer whale." Nnoitra said, blinking at the looking Grimmjow gave him. "What?" 

"A killer whale? Seriously? How the hell are we going to get a killer whale? Besides they can't be out of the water you dumbass." Grimmjow explained, giving Nnoitra a look as if the man was a child.

"What so you can have pastel wearing pimp penguins running around trying to dominate the world but I'm the idiot for suggesting using killer whales to defeat them?" Nnoitra shot back. 

"Exactly, now shut up before they hear us." Grimmjow hissed as he shut the door as quietly as he could. He ignored Nnoitra's muttering next to him and looked around for a way out. He could not believe he ran deeper into the apartment instead of running out the closest exit. Had he learned nothing from all the horror movies he'd watched over the years?

"I say we just blast the little fuckers to hell. We have lighters we just need hairspray and instant flame thrower. You guys have hairspray right? Of course you do, with the way you two style your hair." Nnoitra mumbled next to him.

"We can't set the place on fire you retard! Ichigo would have my ass if we did!" Grimmjow gawked as he saw the man go rifling through drawers to arm himself with the aerosol can. 

"Jeez when did you become so whipped? Did he cut off your balls to turn them into a coin purse so he could own them physically as well as metaphorically?" Nnoitra snorted as he continued in his search.

"I ain't whipped and I didn't even know you knew how to pronounce 'metaphorically' let alone know what it meant." Grimmjow shot back

"I ain't stupid. But seriously, what are we going to do?"

"I have no idea," Grimmjow muttered with a sigh as he leaned back against the wall. "We need to do it soon before Ichi comes home."

Looking at each other, both Nnoitra and Grimmjow sat up straighter when they heard a noise outside the door before it was thrown open and the army of penguins marched in to subdue them. Cursing up a storm both men were dragged out of the bedroom to the office.

"Let me go you little bastards!" Grimmjow growled as he struggled against the penguins restraining him. 

"We have them, Master," the leader penguin said as he bowed to the figure sitting in the desk chair in front of the desk. 

"Very good Tohma, you have done well." A familiar voice said as the chair slowly spun around to reveal the master of the evil little beings.  
"You fucking freaky bastard!" Nnoitra screeched, jerking an accusing finger at the man before them. "I should've known you would pull some shit like this!" 

Ishida glared at him from his perch upon Grimmjow's desk chair. Great, he was going to have to burn the damn thing now.

"Why are you doing this? And how the hell did you get control of these little bastards!" Grimmjow glared as he watched the man trail his fingers against the leather.

"My motives are quite simple I'm afraid. You have something that I want and the best way to achieve it is to have you removed from the picture," Ishida replied calmly. 

"Oh yeah? And what is that pray tell?" Grimmjow asked narrowing his eyes at the four eyed freak. 

"I want Ichigo to myself. You don't deserve him. I plan to rectify that and treat him as he should be treated." Ishida said with a smirk. Grimmjow's eyes widened before they narrowed as he lurched himself forward against the ropes binding him. 

"You won't touch him!" Grimmjow snarled as he struggled. There was no way in hell anyone was going to take Ichigo away from him, let alone this little pansy bitch! 

"You can't stop me, my plane is already in motion, all I need to do is get rid of you." Turning to address the leader penguin, they all froze when they heard the front door open and Ichigo's voice carry through the apartment, calling out Grimmjow's name. "Perfect, take them down the fire escape." Ishida said with a smirk as he stood up and walked towards the door to meet Ichigo in the hallway, a few of his evil penguins falling in step behind him.

"No! NO! Get back here you fucker! Don't you dare touch him, I'll kill you!" Grimmjow screamed as he struggled harder to get free. This was not happening. He would not lose his strawberry because of some bullshit penguins, and definitely not to Ishida!

"Grimm?... Grimm… Grimm!" He could hear Ichigo call for him, his voice getting progressively louder and he fought harder. "Grimmjow! Wake up!" Huh? Wake up? But he was awake. He frowned in confusion and started to twist in the grip holding him down only to be shaken. Gasping his eyes flew open as he lunged forward and connected foreheads with Ichigo.

Groaning both men grabbed their heads and fell back away from each other. What the fuck? Gaining back his senses Grimmjow looked around in confusion. How did he get back on the couch? Where were Nnoitra and Ishida? Where were the penguins!

"Ow, you bastard, what was that for?" Ichigo groaned as he held a hand to his forehead and glared as his blue haired lover.

Grimmjow looked at Ichigo before yanking him off the floor and into his arms, holding the smaller man against his chest tightly as if to protect him from some unseen enemy.

"They didn't get you, thank god," Grimmjow sighed in relief as he buried his face into his lover's neck.

"Who didn't get me? What are you talking about?" Ichigo asked in confusion, allowing himself to be trapped in his lover's embrace. What had gotten into Grimmjow? He was his usual asshole self when he left him this morning.

"The penguins, and that bastard Ishida." Came the muffled growl from his neck. 

"The what?" Pulling back so he could get a good look at his boyfriend's face, Ichigo frowned. Did he just say penguins?

"Why does everyone keep asking me that? The penguins! They're Ishida's minions they're going to help him take you away from me." Grimmjow said seriously. He was completely incensed when Ichigo burst into loud laughter.

"Just what did you take before?" He managed to ask between chuckles. He knew he shouldn't have laughed like that but how could he not? His lover thought Ishida was some evil mastermind who used penguins as his evil minion of choice, and not only that but his main goal was to steal him away from Grimmjow? The whole idea was insane!

"What the fuck are you talking about? They were just here!" Grimmjow yelled as he jerked a hand in gesture to indicate the apartment. 

"No one has been here all day, you were asleep. I bet this is why you had such a weird ass dream, you drank half a bottle of Nyquil," Ichigo pointed out as he held up the half empty bottle of medicine. 

"What? It was all a dream?" Grimmjow groused, puzzled. So the whole thing was some drugged out dream? Thank god.

"Yeah, it was all a dream. Only you would dream about penguin pimps. You're such a weirdo." Ichigo said with a fond smile, kissing his boyfriend on the cheek before pulling him up. "C'mon, I promised you chicken soup. It's in the kitchen."

Allowing himself to be tugged to the kitchen, Grimmjow tried to process everything that had happened that day. So first he gets sick, no scratch that, he was burned out from work, then, he drank too much Nyquil and dreamed about evil penguin pimps and a diabolical Ishida. That was a pretty fucked up day if you asked him. He couldn't wait to put the entire thing behind him. 

"We will never speak of this again." Grimmjow said as he sat down at the table and watched Ichigo pour some soup into a bowl for him.

"Whatever you say," Ichigo said soothingly as he set the bowl down in front of his lover. He fully intended to keep that promise… after he told everyone else of course.


End file.
